Authenticity from Behind the Face Paint

 Ah yes, conventions are back and I. Am. Obsessed. I haven’t been this long without a convention since I started attending them six years ago. At the end of the convention, as I stripped off the wig and released my messy waves, scrubbed every speck of paint from my smothered face, and put on the shorts and tank top that are my uniform of summer, I had a thought. 

At that convention, in my insane getups that make my own mother question my identity, I had felt the most authentically myself that I had in a while. Which, to those whose hobbies don’t involve some form of roleplay (theater, some types of video creation, some forms of writing, etc.), might sound….weird. I’m wearing clothes that I would never choose and so caked in makeup that my mask is stuck to my face (not kidding, that fake blood is sticky). So, why would I feel MORE like myself when, by all appearances, I’m trying to not be myself?

Even when I'm not being me, I'm still pretty cute

Feeling more like oneself in costume is a very common sentiment in the cosplay community, and cosplayers have a variety of reasons for having it. Some feel insecure in daily life, and dressing up allows them to step away from those insecurities. Some appreciate that it serves as an instant icebreaker, a big sign reading “I like this thing, talk to me about this thing.” With that instant topic of conversation, many shy people find that they can make friends more easily in cosplay.

I’m most definitely not shy, and I’m not one prone to insecurity very often, so why do I feel authentic even through the costume? Part of it is knowing that no matter how much I alter my appearance, my posture, or my voice, it’s still me under it all. At a moment’s notice I can snap back to Kim and still be distinct. I can be dressed as a high-school age character and still be responsible, I can be dressed as a man and still be girly, and I can be dressed as a monster and still be bubbly and friendly. I also like messing with the dissonance between my appearance and my actions. It’s funny, and the real, authentic Kim loves to make people laugh.

Another aspect of feeling in my element at con is that cons are a place where my personality strengths are very advantageous. I’m good at keeping schedules straight. When you are trying to go between two panels, an autograph signing, and a concert while keeping track of check-ins for your 3 friends, scheduling is an extremely valuable skill. I love the noise, the colors, the unique stories that make up the convention experience. A lot of people my age struggle simply to find an environment in which to share their passions, and I am so grateful to have that basically handed to me on a platter the second I walk in the door.

One thing that is abundantly clear just from all of my pictures is that I love playing grown-up dress-up. When I was a little shrimp, I wanted a beautiful princess ball gown. And now I have one. I have dreamt of being a wizard or an alien with crazy powers, and I have come as close as any human can to that experience. When I put on the outfit, I can connect with that sense of childlike wonder that says “I can be anything.” I’ll always be a bit of an overgrown child, and this is a really fun and productive way to channel that energy. Yes, I build the costumes myself and have to pay for them, but if I have to be an adult on the way to being a kid, Why not?

Cosplay and conventions are an outlet to express my most authentic self, and I really missed that. There are other ways that I express myself, and I have leaned on those a lot in the last couple of years, but I knew that when conventions were back, I was there. Now if this pandemic could just cool it, I can be back to stay. Next event: Steampunk November. I built a cosplay for a Renaissance Faire that was supposed to happen in March of 2020, and it FINALLY gets to leave the house. 

Catch you round the con floor. If you don’t recognize my face, the voice will likely tip you off.

Reconnecting in 2021

 *Flops into chair and takes a deep breath* Okay, I have time to write a blog post before I “meep meep” and zoom off like I’m being pursued by a famished Canis latrans. I feel like all of the socializing and activities lost to 2020 are getting crammed into the back half of 2021. It’s wild, but I’m honestly enjoying it. I know, big surprise that a high-energy extrovert is a fan of social activities. So here’s what I’ve been up to.

For the first time since graduation, I visited my old college campus! I was in Michigan for a wedding and my companion Sydnee (another college friend) and I decided to drive our little rental car down and see what was up.

College buildings come in two varieties. The brand new ones that are completely foreign and kind of fun to explore, and the ones that have not changed at all and that I could walk blindfolded. It was really surreal to go between those two types as we explored the campus. It just so happened to be move-in weekend, so as we passed our old dorms we spied a new crop of freshmen and their families moving boxes and suitcases. I wish them the best as they start a new chapter of life. College was a great time for me, and I hope others can have as good an experience. As we reminisced in the union, relaxing on the couches where we used to study, we concluded that it’s good to be on campus as an alum.

Okay, so once I got back from Michigan, the suitcase didn’t even go back in the closet. The next weekend, I visited my family in Nebraska. This wasn’t just a normal trip home to visit my family, I had a very special person in tow. This was Alex’s official “meet the family” weekend. Because our relationship developed long-distance and the pandemic restricted travel, there just hadn’t been an opportunity to make the trip sooner. I could have waited until Thanksgiving, but that meeting would also include my extended family, which is...a bit much for one weekend. So, immediate family now, extended at Thanksgiving. And we road tripped the 10 hours so my dad could service my car while we were there. Did I mention Alex is a patient person?

Considering that this post isn’t titled “Suddenly Single Again” you can probably guess that the trip went well. We visited all of my grandparents, hung out with my siblings, and taught Alex more about popcorn than he ever thought possible.

We toured Preferred Popcorn (where my mom works) and got to go on top of a grain bin.

And THEN, once we got back from Nebraska, I am now preparing for *drumroll* my first convention since lockdown! *cheering* I have had my ticket for Texas Frightmare Weekend since 2019. And this weekend I will FINALLY be able to use it. I, being a cosplayer, will be dressing up for all three days and thoroughly enjoying everything about this tentative return to my favorite hobby. Yes, I’ll be wearing a mask, and yes, the convention size is capped to allow for proper social distancing, but will I be complaining? NOPE. I missed this so much. The dealer room, the panels, the celebrity guests, and my personal favorite thing, connecting with other people who get really excited about things they like. The convention energy is something that can only be experienced in person, and I’ve been deprived for far too long.

These activities do have a common thread. I feel like I’m checking the boxes of the groups in my life that I need to regularly connect with. With the trip to Michigan I was able to reconnect with my college friends, who truly are some of the closest friends I have made in life so far. In visiting Nebraska, I was obviously able to reconnect to my family, which in my case takes a lot of effort due to the distance, but it’s always worth it. And finally, this weekend, I’ll be reconnecting not only with the broad social group that is my fellow nerds, but with myself as I get back into something that really brings me joy.

I hope you can reconnect in 2021 with family, friends, social groups, and even yourself. This is such an action-packed blog post that I didn’t even talk about my upcoming move into a new apartment. That’s a post for another time. And there’s my birthday on the 29th, so I’ll probably celebrate that somewhere in there. I’ll figure it out, I always have so far. For now, I have to dig up my cosplays that have been waiting for far too long to be worn. Now where is my knife and fake blood?