This blog has been silent for a couple of months, and there's a reason for that. That reason has been that I have had absolutely no energy to do anything not absolutely necessary for life.
Yes, me. Vibrant, energetic Kim has had no energy. She has sat in the dark and been sad. Allow me to explain.
Remember how in my last post I said that I was working overnight shifts? I was so optimistic that I would be able to adjust and be fine, at least temporarily. Nope. Did not happen. My body has declared that it does not like sleeping during the day. I learned a few things about myself, especially what happens when I'm pushed to my limits. Apparently, when I hit a certain level of exhaustion, I burst into tears for no reason. Not fun. If tears happen at exhaustion level 10, I was living day to day at a level 7-8.
Lack of sleep and constant stress does weird things to me. Most obviously, the corner of my mouth split and didn't heal for months. When my dentist noticed this at a regular cleaning, she said that this usually either a B vitamin deficiency or stress. I was pretty sure I knew which it was. Lipstick became a necessity to avoid looking like I have herpes or something.
Another effect of this long-term exhaustion on me is that I get really emotional and mean. Every thought is filtered through the lens of "Do I have the energy? Can I manage this? How long can I keep this up?"so even the smallest question makes me want to say "I DON'T KNOW, LEAVE ME ALONE." If I've come across as unkind to anyone, I am so sorry, being tired is no excuse. I've literally had to stop myself halfway through sentences because I realized I was being ugly. That's not the me God wants me to be, that's not the me I want to be, it needed to stop.
However, that has recently changed. Not without a lot of effort on my part, but I got it. Never let it be said that I am not persistent. It all started in June, when I e-mailed my supervisors to make sure they remembered that I wanted to move to another shift. All well and good. Then another lab aide quit, so I e-mailed the supervisor again asking if I could be considered for that shift. I found out that they were not replacing that shift, but there would be another shift opening up that I might be able to have. Excellent. The e-mail officially stating what shifts would be available went out the second week of July. I put my name in and waited. Waited one week. Waited two weeks. Waited three weeks.
Now, at this point I'm approaching a state of frantic exhaustion. Every day I check my e-mail, and every day I see nothing. I can't plan anything because I don't know when I'll be working. Have I been forgotten? So I did some strategic complaining. I complained about the radio silence to someone who works more closely with those making the decision. He gets the response of "I'll talk to her next week." This was at the end of July.
It was at that moment that I snapped. I had spent the last six weeks talking myself up for every shift saying "one more week, you'll know soon, it's almost over" and "powering through" and "sucking it up" and I was done. No. That is not acceptable. I need an answer. Management has had ample time to at least tell me when they will make a decision, and they have not told me anything. Are they getting my e-mails? I don't know, no one responds. I'm done being strung along while I waste day after day feeling like I'm carrying a backpack full of bricks and not being able to think straight. I relayed all of this to the person who got my response, all at a low volume and very articulate, but obviously very angry. He was shocked that I was ignored for so long and said he would get it sorted.
And you know what? I got my answer within a day. I don't like snapping like that, but I had tried being professional and no one acknowledged my existence. One of the supervisors was supposed to talk to me a while ago, and he never did. Which I would understand if I hadn't sent reminders that went unanswered. Even after getting my new shift, I never got an apology, never got an official confirmation of my new shift, never got a single word over e-mail or in person from this supervisor. Needless to say, he has managed to find his way onto my bad side. But I got my new shift and that's the important part! And I'm so grateful for the people who have been on my side and gone to management when they ignored me.
Within a week of switching to my new shift, I was waking up happy again. My split lip went away, I could concentrate again, and I could make it through a shift without having to grit my teeth to stay vertical. My life no longer revolves around work and I am able to work on side projects! This overnight shift thing has overall been a pretty negative experience, but that doesn't mean I can't draw some good from it.
One thing I've gained from this experience is gratitude. I am so grateful for the people who have accommodated my awful schedule when making plans. I'm also so very thankful for everyone who has put up with my foggy, emotional, kind of mean self and cut me a little extra patience. I don't deserve you amazing people. In my friend groups, I tend to be a person who organizes things and gets the wheels turning, but when I'm so tired I can't do that. I'm grateful for others who have taken that on, it really made me feel loved.
Another thing that I gained from being stuck on third shift that I would like to write about is a newfound sympathy for those with chronic fatigue, depression, and really any condition that sucks away energy and leaves you drained all the time. It really did make me feel like I wasn't myself, and it was frustrating to know that I was capable of so much more. It was like carrying a heavy weight on my body and brain every day that I had to work around. Obviously I can't totally know what it's like to feel that way and not be able to escape. I bounced back with just a shift change, but for many it's not that simple. I've only had a little taste of it, and that was enough. I'm going to strive to be a little kinder to those suffering with exhaustion, because it's harder than I would have guessed.
So, I'm no longer a bat. I have returned to the land of the living. I have a couple of posts knocking around in my brain that I'll hopefully be able to write soon. I actually have the energy to do that, and I'm not taking it for granted. Thanks for reading this far, and I hope to update again soon. Kim out.
