These poor souls have been working through the whole pandemic. Yes, they're getting a lot of appreciation and free coffee, but this whole pandemic can't end soon enough. They're stressed, their co-workers are stressed, and any customers they have to deal with are stressed. They are sick of having to wear these suffocating masks for hours every day and having to keep up with whatever their boss wants them to change this week. Often seen with their free coffee and any other gifts given by kind businesses and individuals. Approach with a gentle demeanor if at all, they likely want to just go home at this point.
Behold the mullet of the fashion world! The Pandemic Power Suit. This baby is all business up top, party on the bottom. This is the uniform of those who still want to make a good impression in the corporate world, but know how much they can get away with while doing remote work. Dress pants are uncomfortable and wrinkle easily, so why wear pants at all? Who's going to see it? They have calculated the exact amount of effort needed to create the impression they they were totally not dead asleep ten minutes ago and that is the effort they deliver. That's efficiency, and they can put it on a resume. Some have adapted smoothly enough to remain in the remote world permanently, while others will welcome some petty office drama and traffic in the name of being able to properly focus on work once again. Should you desire to approach this species, first ask if they are "at work" right now.
Grocery shopping is the only time this person leaves the house and they want to make the most of it. But they also don't want to get COVID19, so they came prepared. Possibly a little too prepared. You may say a whole liter of hand sanitizer is excessive, they call it being socially conscious. They are never out of doors without a mask and gloves, with extras in a fanny pack. They keep religiously to social distancing regulations and grow anxious if those around them do not do the same. They are often seen zipping through grocery aisles, snatching pantry staples off of shelves and loading them into a well-sanitized cart. This person is more conscious than a jewel thief of wiping away every trace of their presence. It is not recommended to approach members of this subspecies as they may become agitated and spray. Their spray can cause irritation if swallowed or inhaled, so it is best to observe them from afar.
Likely either a gym rat before the pandemic or working in the athletics/fitness industry, this person is trying to keep up their fitness in any way possible. They have been attending online classes or doing every home workout they can get their hands on. Early in the pandemic, they my have panicked, but some members of this subspecies have adapted quite well after discovering that missing a workout will, indeed, not kill them. They have found creative ways to use household objects to meet their #goals. In order to burn of their excessive energy, they may take on unusual behaviors such as constant cleaning, dancing, or trying to maximize distance moved in a a small area (like this guy). Despite their often glowing social media profiles, these people are counting down the days until they can go back to a good old-fashioned Pilates class. Should you choose to approach, be prepared to give chase as they grow anxious when held in place for an extended period of time.
After binge-watching a bunch of cooking and baking shows on Netflix, this species decided to try it for themselves. Their kitchen is now a disaster zone and every day brings a new culinary experience. Depending on the predisposition of the particular person, this species can be your best friend or worst enemy. If they posses the necessary skills, their treats with be a bright spot in an otherwise dismal situation. If their skills are...lacking, the only solution is to avoid their well-intentioned gifts and hope that they are able to leave the house soon. This subspecies can be identified by their messy aprons and protective attitude towards dry goods such as flour, eggs, and yeast. If approaching a "skilled" member, present a polite demeanor and you will likely be rewarded with their latest creation, as they have made 7 types of muffins and can't be expected to eat them all. If approaching an "unskilled" member, have a disposal plan for any hazardous cargo you may aquire.
This subspieces is elusive and rarely appears for long stretches of time. The loss of structure in their day has led them to lose all sense of time and revert to an animalistic form of estivation (similar to hibernation, but during hot weather rather than cold). They have been known to nap several times throughout the day and remain unaware of the current date or day of the week. They have worn pajamas almost exclusively since the pandemic started and may have forgotten how to tie shoes. It is unlikely to encounter this subspecies in the wild, but they may sometimes be roused from their torpor by electronic communication. Please approach,as this subspecies has not adapted well to solitude and may require some intervention to weather the changes to its environment.
I'm sure there are other new subspecies of homo Sapiens carving out new niches every day, and it's my job as a science person to find and document them! Until then, I'm still working, still healthy, still blessed beyond what I could ever deserve. I hope you are as well, and if not.....well, I'm hoping my antics made you smile at least. It's a jungle out there, people!
